Living with abusive husband

Olivia is an attractive 37-year-old mother of three with a bright smile and a friendly air about her.

As we sat chatting and sipping our coffees, it struck me how easy she was to like. Calm and collected, she has a quiet understated charm that draws you to her and puts you at ease so that you feel as if you've been friends for years.

To all intent and purpose, she doesn't look as if she has a care in the world, but if you know that everything isn't quite as it seems and look very closely, you'll notice a faint shadow of weariness behind the sparkle in her eye and realise that there's a barely noticeable rigidity to her every movement.

Behind Olivia's kind smile hides one of the world's best kept secrets: she's a victim of domestic abuse. To you, or I, she looks like she leads a happy and charmed life but behind closed doors she lives in constant fear that her husband will come home from work after a bad day and decide to take it out on her.

Olivia (I have changed her name to protect her) and her husband had known each other for many years before they got married and to many it would be hard to believe that she hadn't seen any indication of his true nature beforehand but Olivia says: "He never showed any signs of violence before we were married.

"We dated a long time and I had vague knowledge that his previous girlfriend he was with for several years left suddenly but I don't know any of the details. In hindsight, I imagine that it would have been to do with his violence but at the time I just thought it was a bad break-up like any other.

"It wasn't until soon after our first child was born that he started to change. I was finding it quite hard and was very tired all the time so we weren't really intimate with each other and I think that was probably the catalyst."

As is usually the case, the abuse started with her husband humiliating her and making her feel insecure: "He kept telling me that I couldn't cope and was always putting me down all the time," says Olivia.

"I remember he had a large group of his friends and their children come to stay for a few days. I was cooking and cleaning constantly and was on my feet the entire time. It was hard work but I managed to take care of everything perfectly well.

"His friends all told me I did a fantastic job and bought me flowers to say thank you but James was constantly complaining and insulting me, telling me I couldn't handle it. No matter what I do there's always something."

The majority of Olivia's married life has been peppered with similar events and constant denigration of her ability to perform day-to-day chores.

Like with almost all cases of domestic abuse it didn't end with verbal assaults and it wasn't long before James took to throwing things around the place.

Pushing and shoving followed before more violent physical outbursts.

"He is always very careful never to leave bruises where they will be noticed," says Olivia. "He's so worried that I might tell people about what's going on that having friends is practically impossible.

"Coming to Bahrain was supposed to be a fresh start and I was really looking forward to making new friends but he's so paranoid that I might say something, or that someone will notice, that he never wants to do anything or go anywhere.

"Even if we do go somewhere he manages to make it so we can't go back. We were out in public once and he started shouting and insulting me so badly that we had to pack up and go home and now we can't go there anymore."

Olivia's abuse has taken many forms over the years.

Birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day and any other celebrations go by without any mention other than "I can't be bothered to spend any money on you".

While the emotional abuse is damaging in itself, it doesn't stop there. Olivia was once forced by him to lift heavy objects while pregnant and when the physical exertion brought on a miscarriage, he blamed her for the loss and started shouting at her to get dinner ready while she was still going through the process of losing the baby.

Domestic abuse doesn't just affect the victim, others in the household are brought into it whether intentionally or not and Olivia's children are no exception.

Their eight-year-old son has already been in trouble with his school for bullying and shoving other children. While it's easy to see where his frustration and bad behaviour is coming from, Olivia is at a loss for how to deal with it and if she mentions it to her husband; the blame is inevitably put on her.

With everything that Olivia has been put through over the years it's hard to understand why she hasn't gotten up and left but the very nature of abuse makes doing so all the more difficult.

The constant emotional battering that takes place is bound to take its toll on even the most confident and secure of people.

When you have been told on a daily basis for years that you are unable to cope with anything, it's inevitable that insecurities and doubts are going to set it. And, despite the successful and confident business woman that Olivia used to be, being away from the job market for so many years has left her scared that she will not be able to make a living and support her children without him.

Years of being alienated from family and friends has understandably left Olivia feeling like she has no one to turn to for help.

Listening to Olivia's story I couldn't help but feel a mix of outrage, disgust and deep sorrow for everything that she has had to go through but nothing left me sadder than her simple assertion that: "I have learnt to just deal with the situation and ride it out.

"It's usually a three day cycle. He gets mean and angry and after three days he calms down and just goes on as if nothing happened. After that, there are usually a few days of peace before it all starts again."