Tattle Tales

The Merc test

June 28 - July 5, 2006

1. Your Merc is equipped with four orange flashing lights, one at each corner. What should you use them for?

A: To indicate my intention to turn at an approaching junction.
B: Nothing: they are entirely decorative, and have no practical purpose.
C: To enable me to park wherever and whenever I choose, regardless of disruption to other users of the footpath.
2. When might you use a hand-held mobile phone whilst driving your Merc
A: Never, as it is inconsiderate to other road users.
B: Strictly in emergency situations only.
C: All of the time: I need to keep calling people up to remind them how great I am.
3. You are doing 100 miles an hour in the outside lane of the motorway, when you come up behind another car. What do you do?
A: Slow down to a safer speed, and pull into the lane to my left.
B: Ease off just a little to keep a safe distance between the other car and mine.
C: Drive right up to the car’s bumper and keep flashing my lights until the idiot gets out of my way.
4. You drive your grandmother to the supermarket to do your shopping for you. Where do you park your Merc?
A: In a standard parking space, with all the ordinary cars.
B: Parking spaces? I’ve got those orange lights, remember!
C: Supermarket? The old bat can take the bus and like it.
5. Because of a poorly-designed bend in the road, your Merc mounts a kerb, causing you to run into a group of schoolchildren, and almost drop your mobile phone. Your first words after the accident are most likely to be:
A: “I am so sorry, it’s all my fault!”
B: “Stay calm everyone, I’ll call an ambulance.”
C: “I’ll have to call you back, mate, some stupid kids have … Oh, my God! Look at the state of my car; I paid more than 25 grand for this, you know!”
For each question that you answered ‘A’ give yourself 0 points
For each question that you answered ‘B’ give yourself 0 points
For each question that you answered ‘C’ give yourself 10 points
Your Total
0 to 30 points: Get back to your Nissan Micra, loser!
40 to 50 points: Get back to your Nissan Micra, loser!
60 to 70 points: Welcome to the world of Merc! You need never let anyone out of a junction ever again.
80 points: You take smugness to a new level, and you have no mates. Well done! You qualify to drive that most Merc of all Mercs, the 3-Series Convertible.
More than 80 points: Not only are you smug and friendless, but you tell fibs too. Brilliant! You have landed yourself a plum job on our sales team.

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