NO LONGER THE VICTIM

Many readers may have had a painful past. And, even those who believe that their childhoods were perfect probably experienced hurtful moments.

Some people are ultra-sensitive emotionally, so a small, negative event that occurred as a child would have been experienced as momentously sorrowful at that time.
 
Together, combined with their additional sensitivity, something as small as a judgmental comment could have resulted in upsetting feelings or even more of a consequence, created a negative self-belief.
 
This could then have opened the doors of vulnerability, so that any future similar events will be experienced in a harmful fashion.

We all have negative past experiences that caused hurt of some kind. Many of us would have formed negative self-beliefs as a result of those events. Negative self beliefs are deep thoughts of how you perceive yourself. These thoughts can run along the lines of ‘I’m not loveable’, ‘I’m not important’, ‘I’m a failure’ and are, in most cases, illusionary facts.

Some people may have had a huge amount of trauma in their past. Feeling upset and lonely because of these experiences can become familiar emotions. Due to the regularity of these emotions, it is easy for some to develop a ‘victim’s mentality’, which can be summarised as someone who is constantly open to mistreatment on some level.

By expecting the fact that people will hurt you, can often create the occurrence. Some people have had some severely traumatic events in their past and others not so bad. Yet, it depends on the individual and their mental make-up as to how those events are carried forward.

Let us look at an average example of a boy, who was bullied at boarding school. Other boys would have made life difficult for him, by destroying his lunch or mocking him.

The boy then matures into a man, and if the painful past feelings are not healed, he may be open for more bullying treatment. He might even create circumstances, to feel the familiar feelings of victimisation.

As he matures, he may encounter difficulties in his working life with others regularly questioning people’s agendas and struggling with conflict to varying degrees. This is a result of the pre-determined, negative beliefs that were once created by him – ‘life is difficult’ and ‘others treat me badly’.

Being a victim causes all the negative emotions of shame, helplessness and fear. Dysfunctional relationships, low self-esteem and stress are just some of the issues that occur as a result of being a victim.

Having been a victim for most of their lives, some do not know how to think or act differently. Wallowing in self-pity, feeling stuck and out of control just becomes the norm.

Some even get ‘pay-offs’ for being the victim, such as attention. Other ‘benefits’ (that the victim sees as benefits) are the feeling of always being ‘right’, never accepting responsibility for one’s actions and not taking risks.

Who would want to continue to live this way? The emotions of acceptance, kindness and compassion for themselves and others are rarely felt.

It is a blocked, hidden and weak way to go through life.

Quite often, when someone has had enough hurt in their life, they come to a realisation that they are creating a lot of that pain through their thinking patterns and external attitude. Questions such as ‘there must be more to life than this?’ or ‘perhaps I am contributing to my pain?’ occur. It is at this point, whereupon a realisation of personal responsibility has been accepted, that small changes start to happen.

The first step to changing a victim’s mentality is to make a decision that feeling hurt constantly is not something to be nurtured any more.

Taking responsibility for your own life, by accepting that you can create the thoughts, emotions and thus actions at any point of time is one step towards reclaiming back your power. Fear and pain, through old dynamics does not have to be a part of your future.

Step two: dealing with any residual pain from the past. How do you go about clearing it? Techniques such as forgiveness and viewing the situation through a differing lens can be used. When the past pain is cleared, the gaping hole within is filled.

Step three: starting to practice self-acceptance and acceptance of others. When your self-esteem is improved, a realisation of your skills is recognised. Therefore, mistreatment from others and even creating pain through manipulating events will not be considered. You will be valuing others’ contribution to your life, your self and your whole life experience as positive.

Step four: releasing the demands placed on you by others. By performing a satisfaction check on the areas of your life that are particularly stressful, will highlight what needs to change. Steps can then be taken to reduce the demands, such as assertively addressing yourself with others so your needs are met.

Carrying out some of the suggestions above will go some way to creating a better existence.

Marriages can become balanced and beautiful, your working life can flow effortlessly, a whole new amazing perspective will be formed. Who would even nurture self-punishment, when self-empowerment is within your grasp?