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Life contains many great mysteries. Who was Jack the Ripper? Does the city of Atlantis exist? Why does the word ‘abbreviation’ contain so many letters? And now, how has Alvin and the Chipmunks managed to secure yet another movie release?
Yes, at this point it’s quite astounding that our musically-inclined anthropomorphic friends have accomplished starring in their fourth live-action movie. The previous films were panned by both critics and audiences alike, yet somehow 20th Century Fox has seen fit to churn out another ‘squeakquel’.
To be fair, as a grown adult (so I’d like to think anyway; my dear mother and my colleagues in the GulfWeekly office may disagree), I’m not the target demographic for this film. But, there has to be some art to the craft.
Disney and Pixar dish up masterpieces with regularity and their target demographic is the younger ones. However, they also appeal to the older crowd who can appreciate subtleties in the script and themes. The Road Chip appeals to neither, except perhaps those who find joy in watching ‘films that are so bad they are good’.
At best, the movie might distract kids for a couple of hours and there may be a handful of laughs at the asinine bodily waste jokes littered throughout. Just don’t expect your little ones to take anything away from their experience though, this is plain dumb, nonsensical, barrel-scraping stuff.
There’s some semblance of a plot here, but your guess is as good as mine. From what I could make out in between high-pitched squeaks and flashes of fur is that Alvin, Simon and Theodore believe Dave (Jason Lee) is going to propose to his new girlfriend Samantha (Kimberly Williams-Paisley) in Miami. Our titular mammals then panic as they believe he’s going to dump them for his new beau.
They decide that they only have three days to get to him before he pops the big question and save themselves from gaining a terrible new stepbrother in Miles (Josh Green), who reluctantly tags along on the boys’ road trip and annoys them at every turn.
Quite why this movie was marketed as a road movie for kids is another great mystery, as there’s more ‘road’ around the Tree of Life than here. Occasionally, silly slapstick scenes are interspersed by a short car ride that doesn’t feature any of the classic hallmarks of a road trip movie, and seem to be used more as a junction between indoor locations for the film’s important events.
I’m struggling to even comment on the acting too. The voice cast features an impressive array of talent, but the voices are modulated beyond comprehension to the point where the voices are indistinguishable from each other.
Imagine a cassette tape (Google it, kids!) on fast-forward, but for two hours straight. That’s The Road Chip’s soundtrack. Audiences might not find it funny, but Bahrain’s pharmacists will be laughing all the way to the bank as they rake in profits from Panadol sales.
Visually, there’s nothing special here either. In fact, despite the first film coming out a decade ago, there’s been no improvement in the digital effects, so, if anything, they look even worse as the industry has moved on since then. Think of the delightful animals-come-to-life models propagated in brilliant films such as Ted and Paddington, who can draw laughter and empathy in equal measure, and this is a shoddy effort.
If you’re still reading this and waiting for something positive, then I’m afraid to disappoint. This is a dreadful, cobbled-together, nonsensical cesspit of a movie without any semblance of charm, emotion or coherency.
Children’s movies can be fantastic if done correctly (you won’t find anyone more eager to see a new Pixar film than me), and can appeal to viewers of all ages. The Road Chip appeals to the square root of zero. Do yourself a favour and dust off your old cassette player and fast-forward through your wife or mum’s old Abba tapes. You’ll get the same result, but you’ll have saved the cost of an entrance ticket.
