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Question: Dear Kelly, I need guidance in my marriage. My husband is drinking every day and so much of our monthly income is going on alcohol. It has been going on for years.
When he drinks, I feel he is unavailable to me and the children and he can also be abusive if he has one too many.
I love him so much, but I feel so neglected and also I am so angry all the time. I nag him, but nothing changes. He promises to stop, but he goes back to the same old habit time and time again. What can I do to help the situation?
L.R. by email.
Answer: Thank you for writing in. This is a situation of co-dependency and alcoholism and it is very important for you to do the following steps to help this situation:
1. Self focus. This means no negative focus on your husband and his habit. Removing the anger and putting in place compassion for his learned behaviours. Anger means you will just lose all power over the situation. The ‘3 Cs’ are important to remember here. You did not CAUSE his drinking, you cannot CURE his drinking and you cannot CONTROL his drinking.
2. Zero nagging. This is just causing subconscious rewards of attention to your husband and the situation. Castaway focus on him and come back to focusing on yourself, your children, your life, your emotions and your behaviours. This is all you have control over.
3. Consider enrolling in a co-dependency programme (I facilitate co-dependency sessions). Also Al Anon is available online and is a wonderful way to help those that are affected by someone else’s drinking. Once you have carried out the above (which is ultimately a healing of your co-dependency), you can learn about boundaries, which are essential in letting people know what you will and will not accept in your life. Please also check out my co-dependency video on YouTube for further help.
