Of mice and men

It’s a wide misconception that the evolution of man is from ape to human — let’s face it who can really tell the difference between the two? True evolution only came about some 60 years ago.

In the 50s a man was still master of his domain and a woman was best kept bare foot and pregnant and tied to the kitchen sink. A woman’s job was to wash, cook and clean and stay at home to raise little baby apes in the likeness of their fathers. The 60s and 70s ushered in a wave of woman’s lib and the females of our race decided it was time to start forging careers for themselves. Faced with a mass hairy armpited women marching down the street burning their bras (something no woman over the age of 25 can afford to do... can you say ‘gravity’?), man had little choice than to allow woman into the workplace. The chauvinist in him however wasn’t going to give up without a fight and although he realised that the office place was no longer going to remain the relatively female-free environment he previously enjoyed, he wasn’t about to reciprocate and share the household responsibilities. With a bit of luck woman would tire of working all day while still having to go home and look after house and home well into the wee hours of the night. When this happened, she would soon forget about playing at this whole career lark and she would go back to where she belonged.
Things didn’t quite work out that way. In fact woman was managing to juggle all her responsibilities so well that she started getting promoted and in some cases even had positions of power and authority over her male counterparts (shock horror). With this new power and independence came the realisation that it was no longer imperative to have a man about the house to support and provide for her and therefore there was no desperate need to cater to his every whim in the hopes that she would get a new washing machine for her birthday. By the time the 80s and 90s came about man was coming home to a darkened house and frozen microwave dinners. He had to adapt and if he didn’t want to be left out in the cold by his woman he had to agree to share the household duties. Thus was born the ‘New Man’.
The new man had to smile, swallow his pride and pretend that he truly believes that woman is equal (if not better dear... honest) to man and that he loves to vacuum and dust the house and stay at home with the brats while mummy is out downing a gallon of wine with her girlfriends to celebrate the multi-million dollar deal she’s single-handedly managed to close for her company. Mark Pettifer, manager of Al Hilal Group in Qatar says: “I believe that with the progress of women in the workplace, men are having to sit up and take notice, let’s face it, how can a forward thinking man exclude more than 50 per cent of the population when it comes to business acumen.”
In most parts of the world the late 90s dragged homosexuality out of the closet and into the open. It was no longer a taboo subject and it became fashionable for every hag to have her fag — a male to go shopping with, advise her on her latest haircut and what shoes to wear with which outfit. Once again, if man didn’t want to be ignored he had to adapt. This time he had to pretend that he had nothing better to do than spend Saturday trawling around the shops watching his lady love coming in and out of the changing room in a succession of near identical outfits only to end up going home with nothing but a handbag from 17 shops back. He had to listen to how Peter and his boyfriend were always immaculately turned out and “why don’t you stop biting your nails and go and have a manicure”. And so came into play the ‘Metrosexual’, essentially a ‘New Man’ that also spent time and money on his appearance.
And yet after all of those changes, man still wasn’t perfect. Once the smoke of the feminist bonfire died down, woman decided that her man was a little too much in touch with his feminine side and she was fighting a little too hard to get her fair share of time in front of the bathroom mirror. SHE had to comfort HIM when the evil hunter shot Bambi’s mother. Man was turning into woman and woman was turning into man. Woman had gotten exactly what she’d asked for and it was proving a little too big a mouthful to swallow.
Man evolved once more to what we now term the ‘Ubersexual’ — the man that respects the rights of woman and takes care of his appearance but is confident and unashamedly masculine. Finally woman seems to be satisfied. She’s made her point and can now sit back relax and reap the benefits. “I think women are influencing men to turn to the ubersexual as this is what women prefer,” says Sales Director Barbara Williams. “More and more women these days are preferring to stay at home once they are mothers, unlike the 80s and 90s where it was ‘the new trend’ to be a working mother. Therefore their dependence on men is increasing more from a financial aspect than anything else.”
At the end of the day, new man, metrosexual or ubersexual — these are all just words. Man is a simple creature and until the perfect cyber woman is mass produced and readily available in your local cold store, man will adapt and pretend to agree with anything a woman decrees in order not to have to sleep with his feet hanging off the end of the cold lumpy couch. In the words of Dean Williams GW editor: “I don’t think men have the brains to rebel against anything. I think the term ‘ubersexual’ is just a media-inspired term to replace ‘metrosexual’. All men are intrinsically the same: Selfish, egotistical and impressionable, whatever you call them”. I say Amen to that!