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Dear Betsy,We have just moved to Bahrain with our beautiful 20-month-old baby boy. We couldn't have children of our own and were fortunate enough to be able to adopt him when he was just a few weeks old.
At home my family and friends knew our son was adopted and we talked about it openly. Now, as no one here knows our family situation, my husband says its no one else's business and we should not tell anyone. I am worried and confused about this and not sure what to do for the best. Should we tell people he is adopted or is this a strictly private matter?
Anxious mum
Dear Anxious Mum,
If you always talked openly about your son's adoption at home then I don't see why that should change.
The important thing to remember is that you will have to one day tell your son he was adopted.
Experts say this is best done as early as possible in a natural, conversational way, even when the child is very young, so that he grows up always knowing he is adopted. Adoption is not a dirty word - quite the opposite - and at no time can you let your son feel that it is something that needs to be hidden or that it has any negative connotations.
Lying about his parentage, even by omission, will breed mistrust in later years and could negatively affect his self esteem.
It is vital he grows up knowing he is loved and cherished and feeling comfortable with the fact that he was adopted. I am sure the adoption agency discussed all of this with you and maybe you just need to remind your husband of these important points.
He has moved his family to a new country and presumably a new job and probably feels a huge sense of responsibility about making a success of everything and taking care of his family.
This is a stressful time for all of you, so talk openly to him about your feelings on the subject and remind him that the fact that you adopted a child is something beautiful that you should both be proud of.
If he feels that your inability to have children of your own was in any way "his fault" then he may be feeling "less than a man" and his self esteem and sense of masculinity may be suffering.
This can matter a great deal to men, especially in the eyes of their fellow males, and deciding not to reveal the adoption might be his way of dealing with this. Show him how much you love him, boost his confidence, show your interest and support for his new job and make sure he how knows how much you appreciate his masculinity.
