Troubling secret thoughts

Dear Betsy, I could tell from your last article about HH Shaikha Hessa, that you have a kind heart and are a compassionate lady. I hope you can help me with my problem. For many years I have had a secret and it has tortured me because I cannot talk to anyone about it.

My family would shun me if they knew my secret thoughts and I feel so ashamed of myself and hate my life.

I am 32 years old and the eldest son. My parents keep trying to set me up for matrimony but I just can't do it. I make excuses but now my father is becoming angry with me. He thinks I am too proud and fussy and have turned my nose up at my parents' choices for me so far.

If they knew what I had in my head they would die. My problem is that I don't like girls. I am confused about my sexuality. I have never been with a man either, but if I don't like girls then doesn't that mean I have homosexual tendencies, Betsy?

I am so worried and don't know who to turn to. My younger brother cannot marry until I do and he is angry with me too as he has found a girl he wants to marry but our customs mean he has to wait until the eldest son marries.

What can I do to solve my dilemma? Who can I turn to for help without shaming my family name?

VKM

Dear VKM

You are not alone; there are many adults who have gone through this scenario at some time in their life and many who perhaps still question their sexuality even after marrying and having children.

Feelings of confusion are normal and perhaps you feel you don't "like girls" because you have had limited exposure to them. If you do not have sisters or maybe if you have had limited social interaction with girls, it could mean they are like an 'alien' species to you and you just don't know how to behave around them. Lack of confidence, shyness, and awkwardness can all mean you have unwittingly built an invisible barrier around yourself which is easier than forcing yourself to get to know a girl and understand her.

From your letter, I can tell that you are a highly educated man, perhaps quite introverted and you probably find it easier to spend time in your own company reading a good book and listening to music rather than face the pressure of meeting and getting to know new people.

I wrote in a recent column that there are things in life that we are all 'expected' to do and getting married is one of them. However, this does not mean it is right for everyone, as the growing global divorce rate tells us.

I think it is important for you to talk to someone you respect about this, perhaps a priest or Imam or your doctor.

They are duty bound to keep your confidences and they have dealt with these issues many times before. I realise that because we live in such a small community in Bahrain, that many people experience difficulties when it comes to finding someone to confide in.

Some countries and communities take a very relaxed stance on sexuality and in other parts of the world homosexuality is considered a shameful disease and may even be illegal.

Social and legal constraints mean I am limited to the type of answer and advice I can give you here but I urge you to discuss this with someone you trust and read some of the many books that have been written about human sexuality.

Just remember, that not everyone in this world is the same, and it is important to follow your heart, this is not a rehearsal, this is the real live performance.

Dear Betsy,

What can I use to make my dull blonde hair look lighter, without using bleach?

Dawn.

Dear Dawn,

Natural remedies that can help lighten your hair colour include chamomile and lemon juice.

Make up a strong infusion of boiling water and dried chamomile flowers, which you can find in Lebanese supermarkets, leave to soak until cool. Strain the flowers and throw away. Use the liquid as a final rinse after washing your hair.

Another popular natural remedy is to apply neat lemon juice to dry hair and spend some time in the sun, protecting your skin with a suitable product and clothing.

Both of these methods, when used regularly can help to naturally lighten the hair. However before all those 'would be blonde brunettes' out there get excited, I should tell you that these natural remedies will only work on blonde hair and to some lesser extent, on strawberry blonde hair.

Brunettes, sorry, but you still need to go down that chemical road.

BETSY SAYS RELAX

Try some good long stretches first thing in the morning to increase your flexibility, stimulate your circulation and set you up for the day. Yoga is even better as it offers even more benefits. Keep it simple, begin with a few simple stretches and deep breaths and once you feel the benefits, add a few more. Need motivation? Visualise how a cat stretches ... did you ever see a stressed cat? Exactly!

IF YOU ONLY DO ONE THING THIS WEEK

Clean out your fridge and freezer. This is the time of year when food related tummy bugs proliferate so lessen chances of this by improving food storage hygiene and checking expiry dates. Do you know what's lurking at the back of your fridge?