Learn to love yourself

Dear Betsy, ANOTHER year of Valentine's Day and no card or flowers for me. I never seem to find myself in a relationship where I get past the first few weeks. I seem to get dates but after a few times, they never go anywhere.

My friends say I am attractive, fun to be with, but I just cannot find a guy who wants to know the real me.

I am 37 and have never been married or even close to it. I never thought about being alone until the last year or so and now I can see time is short for me.

Is it too late for me to marry and have a family? Is my sales job going to be my whole life, Betsy? What can I do?

LM

Dear LM

I bet you that most men and women who are reading this, didn't get Valentine's flowers or gifts either, and that includes those who are married or in a strong relationship.

I understand that perhaps some of your friends did receive gifts and now you are feeling a bit sorry for yourself. Being single is not the worst thing in the world; just have a good, long hard look at those around you who are in an unhappy marriage or relationship.

It is not all hunky dory and trust me, if you asked a group of your friends, there would be several of them who envy you your freedom.

The grass is always greener, so for you I understand you crave someone to share things with.

Companionship is very important in a relationship, and I believe it becomes more so as we get older.

The best thing to do LM, is to look at men you meet as potential friends first of all. If you are looking at them as potential husbands/fathers of your children, then they will pick up these vibes and this will scare them off.

It sounds to me as if your self-esteem is low and that is something you have to work on first of all. You need to realise and believe in your self worth, otherwise others won't value you. Be kind to yourself, learn to love yourself and get to REALLY know yourself and this will have a huge impact on your life.

Focus on what is good in your life, and not on what is bad. Go to the gym or a dance class, take up a sport such as tennis or golf, buy a copy of The Secret - a great book to help you to find a successful path in life. Volunteer to help a charity, join a society such a the Royal Society of Saint George or the Irish Society where they have great, regular social events that you can attend even as single person.

Set yourself small personal goals each week such as reading a book, trying out a new recipe, visiting the National Museum.

Accept every invitation you receive, you never know what it will lead to but also, issue invitations to others.

Ask a colleague to join you for tea, go to the cinema, try out a new restaurant. There is nothing more attractive to a man than a woman who is busy and happy with her own life and who is self-assured.

The fact that you are in a happy place and in love with yourself, will make you more attractive to others as you will be giving off those infectious "good to be around vibes" that make your company irresistible to others.

Too many of us live empty, sad, unfulfilled lives, because we never learn to love ourselves, and that includes those friends of yours who appear to be so happily married ... take a closer look.

As for the lack of children in your life, perhaps not everyone is supposed to have children. We are conditioned as little girls that our future as women is to grow up, fall in love, get married, have children, end of story. Well, why should it be so? Women can all make valuable contributions to society that don't involve having kids.

Try to discover what you REALLY want in life and what will really make you happy. You may be surprised at the answers, and you don't have to wait for someone else to buy you flowers. Go out and buy some for yourself, you deserve it.

Life is not a rehearsal, this is the real, live performance, so get out there and give it your all.